I observed another couple over a period of months, realizing that something wasn’t exactly right in their relationship. For one thing, the woman kept building her husband up, saying how wonderful he was, what a good provider and father he was, and that they never had any problems. Yet at the same time, I could see signs of resentment and bitterness in the way they interacted with each other.
When a husband or wife tries to make a point that all is well and there is no problem in their household, it is a decoy. They are trying to cover up the truth which they are unwilling to face or to deal with. As it turned out, this wife fantasized a lot about another married man and was trying to cover up by making over her husband. She really loved him, but had slipped into unhealthy daydreaming without realizing it. After discussing the matter, we decided to let her husband in on it, and when she indicated to him that she had gotten caught up in an affair, he said, “Honey, is there anything wrong?”
Indeed, there was plenty wrong on his part. Actually, he was the one who let it happen. He did not feel that anyone else could possibly be interested in his wife. The implication was that no one else would have her. She craved affection and attention so desperately that when she found it in someone other than her husband, she was unable to dismiss it and didn’t want to, either, because attention and affection are something every wife needs.
If a woman’s God-given husband fails to provide her needs, the consequences are often critical. This particular wife was riddled with guilt feelings, hurt, bitterness, resentment, fear, anger—the whole bit—all because her husband was unwilling, or perhaps unable, to show her his love.
Maybe you are a soft-spoken guy, and never get upset, never get angry, always try to deal with family matters on a low-keyed, intellectual level. When things get out of hand and go sour on you, the self-righteous man, can always pull the family together and say, “Okay, which one of you did it?” never realizing that you are the one who did it, that it is all your fault.
For example, there’s an outburst of temper. The wife takes as much as she can, and then she starts throwing things around, and they smash and break. You come up with an I’m-too-good-for-that attitude and make her feel like she’s out of her mind, that she’s some kind of a psycho. You never stop to think why she’s doing this, why your wife is getting so upset. It may be just to get your attention. You have been utterly oblivious of her and the children—you live in your own private world. Oh, you’re a good man, all right. You go to church; you don’t squander the money; and don’t bad-mouth your mother-in-law, and you stay out of trouble. But you don’t do anything imaginative or exciting around the house. You seldom compliment your wife or the children or anything your family does. You don’t play with the children; you don’t show much tender love and affection to your wife. You go about your own carefree, clumsy, corny way, while your family simply fades off into the background.
I’m talking about reality now, and it’s serious business because if you are self-righteous, you think you are so good, and yet you are not aware that your failure to become involved in your family’s affairs is a serious shortcoming, a sin. You may not know what’s going on in your own home and could care less. For example, the children need new shoes for school. “So what? That’s the wife’s problem,” you think.
Your son has a dental appointment next Friday at four o’clock. “So what? The wife can take care of that; I don’t need to know about it.”
Your daughter has piano lessons every Tuesday afternoon after school. “I don’t need to know that,” you think.
Aunt Matilda is coming to visit next week, and there is a problem as to where she should sleep. “That’s not my problem; that’s my wife’s department,” you rationalize.
The dog needs his rabies shot. “So let the wife take care of the details,” you say.
The neighbor’s children keep coming over at odd hours and making trouble. “I’ll take care of that after I’ve watched this football game,” you reply.
The couple down the street is having loud and boisterous parties, and your wife wants to know what you are going to do about it. “You can’t just go invading peoples’ privacy.” That’s your cop-out this time. “We’ll just let it go—I’m a peace-loving man.”
Your wife is going to the hospital for surgery. “So why should I make arrangements for the children? Let her do it before she goes, or I’ll get Mom to take care of the problem,” is your answer.
The back left-hand burner on the stove isn’t working properly. “Saturdays are my only days off—let the wife call someone to come fix it.”
One of the children saw an insect in the bedroom and thought it looked like a termite. “I’ll look later. Can’t you see I’m reading the paper now?”
There’s a light bulb out in the dining room. “Honey, can’t you do anything around this place?”
The paperboy threw the paper on the roof three weeks ago, and it’s still there. “I’ll get up there next week, but I’ve got to see the Super Bowl today.”
I asked one wife what it was that her husband was doing that caused her to want to leave him, and her reply was “Nothing.” Frequently, it is what men fail to do as heads of the home that gets the family all messed up, rather than what they do.
One reason men have lost the respect of their families is that they have become spectators in the family situation. I asked one little boy what his father did, trying to learn what his occupation was, and the boy replied, “He watches.”
I asked, “You mean that he is a night watchman?”
“Oh, no,” the little boy exclaimed, “he just watches.”
“Well, what does he watch?” I asked.
“I don’t know if I can tell you everything,” he continued, “but I can name a few things.”
“Well, tell me,” I replied.
“He watches TV; he watches Mom do the housework; he watches for the paperboy; he watches the weather; and I think he watches girls, too,” he said, with an impish grin on his face. “He watches the stock market, football games, all the sports. He watches mother spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to church and PTA and shopping. He watches my brother mow the lawn, and he watches me rake. He watches my sister clean up the dirty dishes, and he watches me wash the dog. He watches Mom write letters, and he watches me play with my dog. He watches Mom pay the bills. He watches me a lot—but mainly he just watches,” said the little fellow, with a note of sadness in his voice.
This dad, and thousands like him, has contracted a contagious disease I call “spectatoritis.” It takes many forms.
Let me illustrate: Mr. Brown has been married for more than fifteen years. He has a responsible job, three children, a home, and a very talented wife. He gets up in the morning and begins heckling his fourteen-year-old son with something like this: “Hey, Bill, why did you leave the lawn mower outside all night? Can’t you ever do anything right?”
The son replies, “You’re gonna start on me again today, are you?”
“You’re blankety-blank right I am. The trouble with you kids these days is that you don’t ever want to do anything. I work my tail off day and night to get you all these things, and then you don’t even want to help.”
“The phone rang, and I forgot about the mower being outside—I’m sorry,” Bill says, leaving the breakfast table with his stomach in knots.
“And don’t forget,” Mr. Brown shouts as Bill retreats down the hall, “I want that hair cut before this week is out!” His tightly clenched jaw reflects his inward seething. Barely begun, the day is ruined already.
This dad has the mistaken idea that earning a living is the ultimate in his responsibility around the house and that everybody else is to bow and scrape when he comes in after a long hard day. He thinks he is the only one who has any really big problems, never suspecting that each member of the family has his or her own needs and that he is supposed to help them. Instead, he always makes light of their problems and says, “I wouldn’t wish my problems off on anybody,” indicating that he thinks he is under the heaviest pressure of all. He never stops to think of the agony his son is going through, trying to grow up into adulthood, and desperately needing counsel and understanding and guidance rather than the rejection and criticism and tongue-lashings and grumbling that his dad dishes out so abundantly.
This Mr. Brown watches like a hawk for any additional evidence for his suspicion that everybody in his household is trying to get out of doing his job, and then he watches for every opportunity to point out the mistakes and blunders and laziness of each member of the house. On the other hand, he never watches for opportunities to be supportive and helpful when they seem down and out. He never tries to get into their world to discover their feelings, their hang-ups, their dreams, their successes, their likes and dislikes. This father could really be a blessing to his son if he would put forth the effort to find out what it feels like to be fourteen years old, what his son’s particular problems are, and what he can do to help his son think them through. How did Dad handle those problems when he was that age, and what did he feel?
I pick up many clues from fathers and sons that tell me that Dad never watches for chances to talk with his son. Mr. Brown’s son is naturally full of antagonisms. He is angry and resentful and rebellious, but Dad thinks it is only because the kid is lazy or no good. The boy is crying out for love from his father, but his fathcr is so full of self-love that he has none for his son or any other member of his family, except maybe one he has picked out to show favoritism to. I see this happen so often. The father and one child have this thing going between them, and Dad says, “This is the only one of the bunch worth anything.” Then he points to Bill and gripes, “He’s the black sheep.” Dad has given time and attention and praise to the one child who feels loved and therefore responds to love, whereas he has criticized, badgered, and run down Bill. It is no surprise that Bill is jealous, insecure, antagonistic and rebellious. All the time, Dad thinks it is the boy’s fault or the wife’s fault.
When the mother senses that Bill is being neglected by his father, she takes up for him, and then an unhealthy relationship is established between the mother and the son, causing him to become feminine. This makes Dad angry, and he jumps on Bill even harder, trying to make a man out of him. This makes Mom angry with Dad, and most of the time none of them knows what is going on. All they know is that it is hell around the house.
Mr. Brown could easily solve the problem by admitting that the whole difficulty is due to his self-love and his lack of love for his family. Mr. Brown is so much in love with himself that in his work, he is Mr. Bigheart—always smiling, always giving, always treating everybody with special attention. He has learned how to win friends and use people. But he is a different man when he steps into his house—everything changes. He is Mr. Grouch, Mr. Touchy, Mr. Big Mouth—all rolled into one. His attitude is, “By damn, this is my domain, and I can do as I blankety-blank please. I’ve had to put up with my boss, my customers, my fellow-workers, and now I want what I want when I want it, and I’m the king, so everybody better watch out. I’ve had to put up with all this stuff in my work, and I’m not about to put up with it in my home. I deserve some peace and quiet, and that’s what I got a wife for. She’s supposed to keep it quiet, have my house clean, my food prepared, my clothes washed, my house in order, my children educated, my paper ready for me, my slippers, and my pipe when I come home.”
Such a husband and father doesn’t know about the New Testament concept of sacrificial love, of dying to live and giving to get, of serving to be served, of losing to find. Oh, he’s heard of it, because he goes to church every Sunday, but it has never registered as something a husband and father is supposed to live by. He just lets it go in one ear and out the other and gets on with the business of loving himself as always. The reality of God’s Holy Word has never dawned on him to the point that he can see what a cruel and wicked person he is.
I see a lot of homes that are having problems among men who are church-going men. That problem arises out of the fact that men who go to church often become self-righteous in their attitudes. They feel like they have done their duty.
A young man attended church with the attitude, “I’ll do my wife a favor by going to church with her.” The church services were a little long, and they were detained in getting home for him to finish watching the last of the Golf Classic, so he became angry. The whole family became disturbed because of his self-righteous attitude.
Even if you are doing the right thing, many times it is with the wrong attitude. As a result, you are made angry, because you are kept from doing what you like—then you nullify the good you thought you had done.
Maybe you have compared yourself to Mr. Drunk or Mr. Evil or Mr. Trash or Mr. Poor or Mr. No Church. Compared to them, you are Mr. Sobriety, Mr. Good, Mr. Treasure, Mr. Rich, or Mr. Church Attender. By comparing yourself with other inferior men, you can always make your family feel guilty, and also build up your own ego at the same time. If they complain about anything you do or don’t do, you can come up with, “What if your daddy was like Mr. Drunk?” “What if I was Mr. Poor, and you couldn’t have all this stuff?” “What if your father didn’t go to church, like Mr. No Church?” On and on ad nauseam.
These are but a few illustrations of marriages and homes that are sick because they’re caught in the epidemic of husband-father spectatoritis. The only known cure for this cancer spreading across our country is Christ Jesus. When we men truly turn to Christ and are occupied with Him, then He will become resident boss in our hearts. Then society will return to sanity and safety and salvation, and our homes will find healing and help, and we’ll have heaven and harmony and hope for this present age.
Now, if you are a normal, natural male, you have begun to protest a little at this point and think of all the idiosyncrasies you have to put up with from your wife. But we are discussing the men, and it is our desire to discover if there is anything wrong. Just think of this book as a mystery you’re trying to solve: Who did it?—Who committed the crime? If you will relax, open your eyes, and hear all the evidence, I believe there will be a surprise—but happy—ending in it for you.
Williams, H. P. (1973). Do yourself a favor: Love your wife (3). Gainesville, FL: Bridge-Logos.
